I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
