Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
