dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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