I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
