I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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