If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
