Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You dont lie about slip and slides
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
