He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
