So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
