Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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