i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
