Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
