I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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