the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
