Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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