if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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