I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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