I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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