dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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