I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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