I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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