I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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