i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
