If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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