Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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