Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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