Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
