:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
