I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
