oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
