No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
