Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
