I wish I could punch you in the face.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
