I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
it's like iHOP with fire
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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