My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
