I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
