My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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