dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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