I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
