And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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