We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She bit a glass in half.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
