I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
