i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
