I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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