I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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