i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
