My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
