You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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