theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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