Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
