This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
